When Emotions Run High
When a child has meltdowns and big behaviors, this can sometimes evoke all kinds of feelings, sensations and reactions in caregivers. You might tense up, freeze, zone out, get angry, feel sad, overwhelmed, deflated, or fill in the blank____. The following are parenting tools to support you and your family during these challenges. Practicing these regularly can also reap many developmental, relational and wellbeing benefits for the long term. These approaches can be utilized with children of varied ages in various situations and are informed by attachment, mindful practices and relational neuroscience, which studies what brains and bodies do in relationship.
Let’s start with a few definitions:
Self-regulation: Is an awareness of our emotions, thoughts, behaviors and/or physiological responses (eg. changes in heart rate, muscle contraction), and an ability to shift and balance these.
Co-regulation: Is when a person is regulated enough to be able to support another through sharing their regulated state, and/or offering regulation. This can help a person to hold and move through their feelings and distress.
Co-regulation creates space for choice. It offers you an opportunity to explore what may serve the moment while being connected to yourself and your child. It’s through repeated interactions of co-regulation with a secure attachment that a child develops the capacities and neural pathways to regulate themselves.
How to co-regulate?
1) Be receptive- Recognize the child is struggling and allow them to experience their emotions. Their behavior and your sensations can be invitations for you to lean into the situation. Accept the invite and open yourself to what is unfolding. This stance can feed connection between you and your child and lead to discovering what may need further attention. It teaches them they are worthy of support and don’t need to be alone when things get tough. It also prepares for the following steps.
2) Self-regulate – Pause and notice if the child’s behaviors/emotions activate something in you. For ex., does your tone/posture change, face/chest tighten, do beliefs arise? Accompany what happens inside of you with care and help it along. You might try slowing down, releasing tension or judgements through extending your arms, taking abdominal breathes, and/or placing a hand on your heart. You might speak to yourself compassionately with thoughts like: “This will pass, “I can get through this”, “I’m a good person having a hard time”, or “I can help”. Supporting yourself can lead to feeling present, grounded, and nourished. It also primes access to your capacities for thoughtfulness and emotional availability, while modeling skills for your child.
3) Attune to child’s internal state – Get curious and pay attention to what might be taking place inside the child, behind the behaviour. Listen deeply with what you see, sense and imagine. Get in sync to feel what they might be feeling and acknowledge this with compassion. You might say things like “I see you’re angry, and I’m here with you.” Attuning helps us meet them where they are. It can help children (and humans of all ages!) feel seen, valued and understood. It can help them feel safe with their feelings, relationally and in the world. It can also soften their feelings and behaviors in the moment, and over time.
4) Accompany your child’s experience – Be responsive. The level of direct involvement and soothing will vary depending on the developmental age and needs of your child. This might involve gentle rocking, hugging and singing. You might offer a snack/drink, taking breaths together, reading a story or playing a game. You might sit with them in silence. They might want to be on their own, and you can stay nearby as your regulated state can bring them reassurance and peace. You might ask “what can I can do to help?”. If the child expresses aggressive behavior, first prioritize physical safety. Observe what your child needs, and experiment over time to discover what might fit. Be patient with yourself and their feelings. A big feeling can be like a wave that you can learn to ride to shore with your child.
5) Wonder – Once the child is more regulated, with empathy you can wonder aloud about what might’ve led to their behavior. For ex., “I wonder if you felt angry and sad I was leaving, and if that’s why you threw the toys. I can understand you felt that way.” Behavior is communication. It is a window that when looked at more closely, can lead to greater meaning and understanding about the child’s needs. Taking a guess gives the child words that can help them understand themselves. Developing your reflective practice around why different behaviours happen, can help you identify what the child might need help with emotionally, relationally, bodily, and/or skills-wise. It can also orient towards approaches that aim to meet their underlying needs.
Showing up for ourselves with self-regulating practices is restorative, and helps us show up for our children. Practicing these varied skills can expand our steadiness, compassion for self and others, and rewire our brain. It can cultivate our relationship with our child and protect us both from shame. It can bolster our child’s felt safety, social-emotional and brain development and resilience. It also builds attachment security where they can trust that they matter, and can count on us. Meeting these challenges with connection and regulation provides opportunities for us to grow with our children. Feel free to contact our team for support.